Obviously, it’s been a while. Not really sure what that’s about but I have a few guesses and I think now is as good a time as any to get real about it.
As I’ve mentioned before, cancer is a busy business. I have been to so many appointments in the last few weeks that I’ve hardly had time to sit down and write. Oh that’s a good story. Of course, I have still had time to sit down and write, I have simply chosen not to.
I’m too tired at the end of the day. Another good story. I have been tired, but not too tired to write.
I’ve been too emotional to write. This has some validity in that I have been emotional. Apparently it could take a couple months for my body to get used the hormone medication I am taking. BUT… it’s no reason not to write!
I don’t know what the most important thing to write is. This is closer to the truth. I have somehow allowed myself to get caught up in a very active debate in my mind about what the best blog to write is. Ha. That is so laughable. I have so much to write that I write nothing. Definitely not the first time that has shown up in my life either!
The truth is, last week I got scared. I let doubt creep in.
Funny too, because just a few days before that, a friend asked me if doubt ever creeps in. I said, “never”. I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing. I felt it to my core. I had done a tonne of research and spoken to many people about what I was doing and I truly knew that I was healthy.
So what happened? While having a conversation with another friend about things, a woman I had never met piped in that I should reconsider. She said that women under 40 die if they don’t do chemo and radiation. She reminded me that I have four kids who need a mom. It honestly wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before. It’s that fear-based mentality that I have always refused to subscribe to. For some reason though, it crept in and took up residence in my thoughts, for days.
I cried. I slept. I gathered more information. Initially I was scared to speak to anyone about it for fear that they would try to convince me one way or another. It seems everyone has a biased opinion about cancer. I finally opened up to my husband. I admitted to him that I wasn’t sure anymore, that doubt had crept in. He of course, remained steadfastly supportive to whatever I chose to do. He was open to discussing it and supports me no matter what.
I love that! I love that he didn’t take the weakness as an opportunity to influence my decision either way. I didn’t want anyone to give me the answer. I simply needed guidance back to that place of knowing.
I’m there again now. I see things clearly. I am healthy. I continue to make positive choices daily for my perfect health.
So now that I’m back, I have a lot of catching up to do, beginning with an update. Forgive the potential influx of posts over the next couple of days but I have a lot to share with you! Thank you for continuing to follow along my journey. Writing to you has been so therapeutic.