Intuition, signs, and meditation

The other day on Facebook, I commented on how some things keep coming into your awareness over and over. It’s the universe’s not-so-subtle way of shouting,

“HEY YOU!!! PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!!!”

Well, it happened again this week. It started with a visit to Amaranth Health and Wellness on 130th Ave SE. last Wednesday. They were having their customer appreciation day and offering all supplements at 20% off. As I may have mentioned before, I am on a lot of supplements and every little bit of savings helps! In addition, a lady named Mary Anne Lema was there offering free 15 minute biofeedback consultations. That I couldn’t resist!

In a little corner of the store, Mary Anne held my hands and swayed them back and forth to get different readings on me. The thing that stood out the most was that I was a 90 out of 100 for intuition. Who knew? Mary Anne explained that although it is a high number, my intuition is actually quite stifled by my type A personality (yes, I am a bit of a control freak). The nature of Type A’s such as myself is that we like to analyze, plan, and execute precisely and efficiently. These attributes directly counteract intuition, which requires a shutting up of the chatter that incessantly goes on in the mind. This reminds me of mindfulness, which as I’ve mentioned, I’m terrible at!

Two days later, out at the serene “cabin” of Little Bow Resort, my good friend Michaelah invited me to an evening with a clairvoyant who would be focusing on fostering intuition. When she mentioned clairvoyant, I was hesitant. When she mentioned intuition, my interest was piqued.  There’s that word again… intuition.

Yell no more universe, I hear you loud and clear!

That workshop was last evening in a little church. It was packed! Kjarlune Rae led us through the evening, opening with some law of attraction and intuition, followed by some readings for a few lucky people, including my friend Tobi and I! Kjarlune Rae was right on for each of us, labelling Tobi as stubborn and me as exhausted (sorry Tobi, honesty abounds here).  With tears in her eyes, Tobi asked her if I was going to be okay.

“Of course she is, because you are too stubborn to let her be anything but!”

It’s true. Tobi’s been one of my biggest supporters throughout this journey, never questioning my ways. Well, that’s not true, she questions, but in an interested way rather than a disapproving way. She’s been a total rock. Thanks Tobi!

When Kjarlune Rae came to me, I asked her if my healing plan is the right way to go (more on that in yesterday‘s post, if you missed it).  I thought I knew already that it is right because I can feel it. I was wondering if the feeling I feel in my heart is the intuition.  I think it is but, like everyone else, I still get those fear-based thoughts going through my head on occasion:

• What if I’m not doing the right thing?
• Should I be doing everything possible to fight this?
• What if I die?

Kjarlune Rae assured me that I am doing the right thing. I’m eating well and taking care of my stress/baggage. “Keep it up,” she said, and I will of course, it’s my way. Even though I already felt this in my heart, it was still good to hear.  I think us four friends left that workshop feeling a little lighter than when we went in.  It was pretty cool.

The third thing that happened was that two ladies in front of us at the workshop turned around at break to tell us about the Chopra 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I’ve heard of this before, in fact, I tried it once. It was likely my first attempt at regular meditation. I think I lasted four days! Because I sucked at it, I soon gave up. The ladies explained that this particular 21 day challenge is all about health and wellness.

What great timing Deepak and Oprah!  How did you know?

When I got home, I immediately checked it out and just as quickly signed up. The first meditation was blissful and I can honestly say that I have never blissed out during meditation. Usually I catch myself wondering, “when is this going to end?” Not this time! It was great and so perfectly fitting for this time in my life.

Every time I fell out awareness (aka. got distracted), I brought myself back to the centering thought of the meditation:

I commit to living perfect health. That feels good.  It feels right.

Today, my call to action for you is to sign up for the 21 day challenge. It’s free after all. What have you got to lose? 15 minutes a day? Come on! Join me!

There is sadness here

Don’t get me wrong by the title.  I am doing really well since surgery #2, as I’ve mentioned to several of you recently.  It’s true.  This surgery was WAY easier than the first.  I guess because they didn’t remove lymph nodes and I therefore did not need a drain.  The range of motion in my left arm was supremely disabled after surgery #1, so much so that I could hardly change my shirt or brush my hair.  Day by day, my range of motion got better and coming out of surgery #2, I am happy to report it was not negatively affected at all.

So, recovery then was way faster.  I was even able to eat at the hospital before being discharged.  I only took pain killers for maybe 3 days and now (10 days later) am pretty much back to normal.

So why the sadness then, you ask?

Well, it has come up in meditation.  The first time I noticed it, a couple days before surgery #2, I was doing a lying meditation in bed.  I was focusing on my breath and of course frequently drifting off into thought (meditation takes practice and constant reminders to come back to focus).  As I delved into a total body scan, whereby the goal was to attend to the whole body and sense which spots or areas were troubled or tight or uncomfortable, my heart stood out.

My heart hurt.

It felt heavy and sad.  It was kind of weird because I don’t typically feel sad,  at least not for myself.  Even when I was diagnosed, I wasn’t sad for me, and only really got upset when I spoke with others about it.  I can feel others’ sadness but not usually my own.  I was not upset about the feeling and didn’t cry.  I simply stayed with it for a few minutes before moving onto another ache.  I accepted it completely.

Of course there’s sadness here. DUH!

I noticed it again just prior to being wheeled into surgery #2.  I was told after surgery #1 that how one feels going into surgery is typically how one feels coming out.  If that feeling is anxiety then one might wake up screaming.  If it is calm though, one would likely wake up calm.  Remembering that, I thought that it would be a good time to practice the mindfulness skills I’ve been learning and practicing in group.

My initial instinct was to do another lying meditation and just try to calm my whole body, however, as soon as I relaxed, the sadness was profound.  I even started crying.  Then I started to freak out a bit because I was thinking, “NO… I cant be upset when I go into surgery or I’ll wake up upset!”  Okay, so I was a bit of a wreck.

So, I switched to a “mini”.  Mini’s are something we learned the day before surgery in group and involve breathing in a particular way (turns out there are several ways to meditate).  There are a few different ways to do a mini that I wont go into here, but the one I chose to practice in those moments before surgery, was a square mini.

The square mini includes 4 parts of breath, all equal in length (like a square).  Breathe in for 3 seconds, pause for 3 seconds, breathe out for 3 seconds, pause for 3 seconds.  Repeat.  In group, I initially found the pauses, especially after the out-breathe, very difficult but surgery day, it worked perfectly.  It managed to calm me right down and to (miraculously) keep me solely focused on breathe for the good part of 2 or 3 minutes!  I was calm going in and calmer than usual coming out.  Success.

Finally, this past Wednesday, I shared all of this at group.  The doctor who leads our group said that often when people notice sadness, their initial reaction is to push it away as it is an unwanted or unpleasant feeling.

“Don’t push it away”, he said.  “I understand why you did pre-surgery but I encourage you to sit with it next time you notice it.  Be with it.  Notice how it feels physically in your body.  If sadness is there, let it be there and get to know it.” (this is loosely quoted from memory).

He also warned that people often say, “I’m sad.”  This is an inaccurate statement though because they are not sad, rather they are many things (I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter etc).  By labelling oneself as “sad”, one is almost encouraging the feeling to be all consuming.  It is more accurate and beneficial to say, “Oh, sadness is there.  There it is.  I know that feeling,” and accept sadness as a feeling one is experiencing rather than a label of who one is.

Sadness is here somewhere and my mission this week in meditation (“safe” meditation at home alone) is to welcome it and get to know it better.  The reason I say “safe” is because I know this will require time alone for me to fully embrace.

Do you push sadness away or have you gotten to know your sadness?