Be careful what you wish for…


“I wish this lump in my left breast was cancer”

Yes, I said that.  I really did.  I am really really dumb.  For real.  Let’s rewind shall we?

As I mentioned last time, I noticed in August the lump was much bigger.  I didn’t go to get it checked out though due to my previous experience in doing so, or maybe it was because I was in a bit of a dark place mentally.

I was seeing a therapist, which seemed to help on and off, and my husband was helping me cope too, on and off.  It was during one of those “off” times that I said it.  I said it to him in hopes that he would see that mental illness is as much an illness as physical.  For the record, I don’t blame him for this.  Mental illness largely goes unnoticed as the debilitating disorder it can be.  It is invisible after all.  That is a post for another day though.  Back to my husband.

He, of course, was shocked.

He asked several questions like, “since when?”, “how big is it?”, aren’t you worried?”, and implored me to go get it checked.

I still didn’t.  I’m still not sure why.  Knowing now that it is breast cancer, leaves me with several what if’s…

What if it has been cancer since four years ago?

What if I had checked it out sooner?

What if I hadn’t hurt my wrist so badly in December that I needed to go to the doctor?

But most of all I wonder, did wishing for it make it so?  Be careful what you wish for…

Have you ever wished for something that you really wouldn’t want?