M.I.A. and getting real

Obviously, it’s been a while.  Not really sure what that’s about but I have a few guesses and I think now is as good a time as any to get real about it.

As I’ve mentioned before, cancer is a busy business.  I have been to so many appointments in the last few weeks that I’ve hardly had time to sit down and write.  Oh that’s a good story.  Of course, I have still had time to sit down and write, I have simply chosen not to.

I’m too tired at the end of the day.  Another good story.  I have been tired, but not too tired to write.

I’ve been too emotional to write.  This has some validity in that I have been emotional.  Apparently it could take a couple months for my body to get used the hormone medication I am taking.  BUT… it’s no reason not to write!

I don’t know what the most important thing to write is.  This is closer to the truth.  I have somehow allowed myself to get caught up in a very active debate in my mind about what the best blog to write is.  Ha.  That is so laughable.  I have so much to write that I write nothing.  Definitely not the first time that has shown up in my life either!

The truth is, last week I got scared.  I let doubt creep in.  

Funny too, because just a few days before that, a friend asked me if doubt ever creeps in.  I said, “never”.  I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing.  I felt it to my core.  I had done a tonne of research and spoken to many people about what I was doing and I truly knew that I was healthy.

So what happened?  While having a conversation with another friend about things, a woman I had never met piped in that I should reconsider.  She said that women under 40 die if they don’t do chemo and radiation.  She reminded me that I have four kids who need a mom.  It honestly wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before.  It’s that fear-based mentality that I have always refused to subscribe to.  For some reason though, it crept in and took up residence in my thoughts, for days.

I cried.  I slept.  I gathered more information.  Initially I was scared to speak to anyone about it for fear that they would try to convince me one way or another.  It seems everyone has a biased opinion about cancer.  I finally opened up to my husband.  I admitted to him that I wasn’t sure anymore, that doubt had crept in.  He of course, remained steadfastly supportive to whatever I chose to do.  He was open to discussing it and supports me no matter what.

I love that!  I love that he didn’t take the weakness as an opportunity to influence my decision either way.  I didn’t want anyone to give me the answer.  I simply needed guidance back to that place of knowing.

I’m there again now.  I see things clearly.  I am healthy.  I continue to make positive choices daily for my perfect health.  

So now that I’m back, I have a lot of catching up to do, beginning with an update.  Forgive the potential influx of posts over the next couple of days but I have a lot to share with you!  Thank you for continuing to follow along my journey.  Writing to you has been so therapeutic.

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