Two heads are not always better than one

As most of you know, I am not pursuing a conventional treatment plan to deal with the breast cancer.  I believe chemotherapy and radiation to be the most counter-intuitive “treatments” imaginable.  That being said, I have promised those who worry about me that I will keep my ears open and at least hear what both sides have to say.

One might say that having access to more than one strategy would be beneficial.  After all, both naturopathy and western medicine study cancer and advocate for treatments they tote to be helpful.  When neither side offers a guaranteed cure though, what one is actually left with is a whole lot of questions.

Two heads are not always better than one.

I knew going into this journey, being open to both sides would be harder than going completely natural, and definitely more challenging than going the popular, western route, so I shouldn’t be surprised.  What surprises me the most in this contrast of two methodologies is the way I feel in the midst of each.

When I first got diagnosed, I was very accepting and positive.  I was thinking with my naturalistic brain and feeling with my heart, and I was not scared.  As soon I saw the surgeon, that positivity and courage was zapped.  I don’t blame him.  It’s not his fault.  It goes way deeper than that.  As soon as I walk into the medical offices, the lab, or the hospital, the same thing happens.  In fact, it stirs in me before I even get there.  I feel a little bit nauseous, totally unsure of myself, and very unsafe.  I go through the motions because like I said, I’ve committed to others that I will hear both sides.

In between these medical appointments, I go to my naturopath, Dr. Matt Pyatt, twice a week for IV vitamin C treatments and mistletoe therapy (no that doesn’t mean a make-out session!)  In these in-between times, I feel great.  I feel empowered and stress-free.  I feel healthy and happy.  I am welcomed at the office on a first name basis, all of my questions get answered promptly, and most importantly, I am treated like an individual, not just another patient.  The camaraderie that exists in the IV room among patients is amazing and inspiring.

 

It was this realization today that got me thinking…  being in both worlds is not really working for me.  

I believe that stress is a huge player in the cancer game and am doing my best to rid it from my life while I build myself back up and heal.  Through things like researching, meditating, and following my intuition, I am living life presently and positively.  I feel good, like its working, as long as I don’t have any medical appointments.  I’m not sure what exactly this means for me but the realization and awareness of something that isn’t working is always the first step.

Have you ever been pulled in two directions and not known which way to go?  Did you follow your intuition?

 

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Be careful what you wish for…

Wishes

“I wish this lump in my left breast was cancer”

Yes, I said that.  I really did.  I am really really dumb.  For real.  Let’s rewind shall we?

As I mentioned last time, I noticed in August the lump was much bigger.  I didn’t go to get it checked out though due to my previous experience in doing so, or maybe it was because I was in a bit of a dark place mentally.

I was seeing a therapist, which seemed to help on and off, and my husband was helping me cope too, on and off.  It was during one of those “off” times that I said it.  I said it to him in hopes that he would see that mental illness is as much an illness as physical.  For the record, I don’t blame him for this.  Mental illness largely goes unnoticed as the debilitating disorder it can be.  It is invisible after all.  That is a post for another day though.  Back to my husband.

He, of course, was shocked.

He asked several questions like, “since when?”, “how big is it?”, aren’t you worried?”, and implored me to go get it checked.

I still didn’t.  I’m still not sure why.  Knowing now that it is breast cancer, leaves me with several what if’s…

What if it has been cancer since four years ago?

What if I had checked it out sooner?

What if I hadn’t hurt my wrist so badly in December that I needed to go to the doctor?

But most of all I wonder, did wishing for it make it so?  Be careful what you wish for…

Have you ever wished for something that you really wouldn’t want?